U.S.


Lou Dobbs To Host Immigration Reality Show

"Lou Dobbs Brown Alert!" will feature Mexicans trying to get past border guards and make it to a special Freedom Flag located somewhere in the Texas desert.

CRIME

Many of the girls were dressed as Sexy Hello Kitty and Sexy Dora the Explorer, along with more generic costumes like Sexy Witch and Sexy Preschooler.

SPECIAL REPORT

Mafia pundits say there are too many bodies piling up and nowhere to dispose of them all, with victims buried two to three deep in some of the usual locations.

LAW

The bill comes in the wake of incident in Cincinnati where a woman was arrested after paddling another woman's child inside a Salvation Army store.

THE INTERNET

A new group called "Facebook Needs Better Quizzes That Don't Cause People to be Murdered by Mobsters" has been created as a result of the incident.

AUTO INDUSTRY

In order to get a plate, Birthers will have to first demonstrate their knowledge of relevant information, such as biblical facts and Rush Limbaugh trivia.

MUSIC

The jury denied the RIAA's request that a Rutgers student pay $645,000 to the record labels, instead saying the labels should pay him for his trouble.

THE INTERNET

Palin noted that she was able to do so because she is on a special governor's server that never goes down, which also allowed her to do some online shopping.

CAP NEWS BULLETIN

Protesters in Iran were also spotted mounting impromptu hot dog eating contests in the streets, using contraband frankfurters smuggled into the country.

CAP PARTNERS