Friday | March 29, 2024
Google Launches Six More Social Network Sites
Screenshot of the new GooglePortal page, providing access to all of the company's social networking sites

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (CAP) - Search giant Google has unveiled another half dozen social networking services as it tries desperately to produce a successful site after a string of failures that includes Buzz, Wave and Orkut. This news comes on the heels of the new Google+ social network, which insiders say the company is "already bored with."

"GoogleBeta, GNet, Google Crush, Google Fray - we got a million of these things," said Google Senior Vice President of Corporate Development David Drummond. "For every social network site of ours that fails, we've got two more waiting in the wings.

"Usually we wait until one hopelessly fails before kicking off the next one," added Drummond. "But we've got so many, we figure we might as well just toss them all out there."

According to Google's official press release, the first three of the company's six new sites include Google|, Google& and Google:) - all of which are purported to be the Facebook killer. Even though all three sites only came out of private beta just this morning, each has already surpassed MySpace in total monthly unique visitors.

"We also came pretty close to launching Google~ but the tilde has a certain femme quality to it that we'd rather not align ourselves with," said Google Chairman Eric Schmidt. "Plus these days it's almost as overused as the exclamation point. But wait till you get a load of GoogleSh*t."

The fourth site, GoogleSh*t, is the one that insiders say returns the company to its roots. Whereas the name Google once elicited a certain coolness and cutting edge technology, pundits note that over the years the name has instead become synonymous with megamonopoly. Officials say that by adding a cuss word to the name, it lets kids know that Google is still cool; and by utilizing an appropriately-placed asterisk, they hope to attract the more conservative adult crowd as well.

"After years of research by our Google Labs team, we've determined that symbols are where it's at," said Google CEO Larry Page as he logged into the new Google$. "If you can't say what you need to on the Internet with just a symbol, then you're doing something wrong."

To that end, Page confirmed that Google is in negotiations with musical artist Prince to obtain the rights to the symbol he uses for his name because "how cool would that be?" Page did acknowledge that they would have to come up with something to call the symbol, but said that for the initial launch, the site is being labeled "Google Thingie" while the legal proceedings are underway.

"For all these sites, the features are really the big selling point," said Drummond as he replaced all the Do No Evil signs around the Googleplex with See What Sticks signs. "Google+ has Friend Circles, Google| has Friend Squares, and Google& has the Friend Cloud.

"But wait till you check out the Friend Rhombus on Google:)," added Drummond. "You'll never look at your friends the same again."

Meanwhile, in an effort to secure another revenue source, Google has filed a trademark application to copyright the plus sign in the new Google+ name, noting that royalties from the American education system "seem like a good bet." Google says they hope to change the way the world does math, one binary operator at a time.

- CAP News Staff

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