CAPITOL HILL

President Obama bones up on his playground skillz on Malia and Sasha's swing set at the White House.

Healthcare Battle To Be Waged On Playground

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The ongoing debate over new healthcare legislation took an odd twist on Capitol Hill today as the U.S. Senate Finance Committee announced an end to the formalized discussions surrounding the numerous versions of bills floating around and said Congressional leaders would "duke it out" on a local playground to see who gets their way.

"We've been talking for months about this stupid legislation and we're no further along now than we were when we started," Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) ranted from the floor of the Senate. "So we're gonna settle this the old-fashioned way: Mitch, meet me by the swing set tomorrow at three o'clock.

"Be there - or be square!" Reid bellowed before storming away from the podium.

As a hush fell over the chamber and eyes turned to Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), aides could be seen trying to hustle the Senate minority leader to the nearest exit, fearful of fisticuffs breaking out live on C-SPAN. A clearly distraught McConnell paused before leaving and turned his attention to his adversary.

"Oh, we'll bring it, Reid! We'll bring it!" McConnell shouted back. "It's time for you Democrats to put up or shut up! I am gonna kick your pansy--" It was at that point that aides pulled McConnell from the room.

The political blogosphere was immediately abuzz with the news as pundits speculated who would come out on top in the skirmish. As word of the throwdown spread to the House of Representatives, liberal news blog The Huffington Post captured the general sentiment of the situation with a photo of Nancy Pelosi "ready to rumble."

"We haven't seen a good cat fight since the Laura Bush/Hillary Clinton steel cage match of '06," HuffPost blogger Ryan Grim told CAP News. "What would be great is to see any Republicans who get hurt have to use a Democratic health plan when they seek medical attention, and vice versa.

"About time they ate their own dog food, if you know what I mean," Grim added.

Reaction from the White House was guarded as reporters peppered President Barack Obama with questions about the battle royale at today's press briefing. Despite having spent the better part of the summer campaigning for healthcare reform, Obama said he would not be participating in the melee due to other obligations.

"Unfortunately I will, uhh, be receiving my afternoon spa treatment at that time, but I, uhh, wish the Democrats the best of luck," Obama said. "What I don't understand is, uhh, why this can't be settled with a game of 21 or a game of HORSE. Or a round of one potato, two potato. What about, uhh, what about a game of four square?"

Contrary to the president's stance, when CAP News asked Vice President Joe Biden his opinion on the matter, he was busy wrapping a piece of torn cloth around his fist, which clenched a roll of quarters. "You bet your ass I'm going!" Biden said. "Joe Biden's no sissy. It's time to lay the smackdown on these GOP asshats."

Word on the street is that all chains, knives and broken bottles will be confiscated before anyone is allowed onto the playground.