HOCKEY

Rush Limbaugh, savior of the NHL

Rush Limbaugh Decides To Buy NHL Instead

ST LOUIS (CAP) - Following the news that Rush Limbaugh was removed from the investment group hoping to purchase the St. Louis Rams and his announcement that he would be reviving the Negro Baseball League comes word that the conservative talk show host has changed his mind yet again and set his sights on a different sport. According to Commissioner Gary Bettman, Limbaugh now plans to buy the entire NHL for $250,000.

"And that includes all the zambonis," noted Bettman. "This is a great opporunity for the NHL brand, for our 632 fans, and for Rush's loyal white supremacist following."

The price roughly equates to the general cost of Gatorade each season for Flozell Adams plus a handful of fines for the Dallas Coyboys left tackle. Even as the NHL enters into discussions with three Canadian cities regarding new franchise opportunities, Limbaugh has announced that his first act as league owner will be to eliminate the five other Canadian teams in Calgary, Edmonton, Montreal, Toronto, and Ottowa.

"The league is just too bloated these days, much like myself after one of my prescription drug benders," said Limbaugh on his radio show. "The fact that the non-American teams are being downsized is purely a coincidence."

In addition to reducing the size of the NHL, Limbaugh also said he plans to provide Americanized names for many of the league's Russian stars because "those Russkie names read like eye charts." As an example, he said "that guy on Washington" will now be known as Ollie Anderson. To help raise money for the league, he said fans will be able to bid on renaming their favorite players to "something more American."

Limbaugh said he made the decision to switch his focus from baseball to hockey after spending the whole day with black people and realizing that he actually doesn't like them much. After a full day of press conferences and photo ops, Limbaugh said he went home and took a nice long sanitizing bath, where he came upon the realization that professional hockey was more up his alley.

"As a famous afro-American comedian once said, the only thing black in hockey is the puck," Limbaugh said. "Of course, by the 2010-2011 season, we'll have that taken care of as well."

Reaction from the overly-sensitive crowd has been mixed, ranging from civil rights leader Al Sharpton's comments that he thought the NHL had folded years ago to the multi-year contract renewals of some of the NHL's marquis sponsors such as North Face, Planters Shelled Peanuts and Apple.

Limbaugh is also spearheading a new marketing campaign for the NHL that centers around the league's new slogan, The Whitest Game On Earth. He said that if for some reason the whole hockey thing falls through, he already has calls in to the PGA and NASCAR.