ELECTION 2006

President Bush gladly accepts the CMA Female Vocalist Of The Year award from the Alabama voters.

Alabama Voters Give Bush CMA Vocalist Nod

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (CAP) - Highlighing just one of a number of improprieties in this year's mid-term elections, the state of Alabama has voted to strip Carrie Underwood of her "Female Vocalist Of The Year" award and give that honor to President Bush.

"My office was unaware that the voters of this state would or even could make such a vote," said lame duck Secretary of State Nancy Worley. "There may or may not be an investigation, I don't care. Go ask Beth what's-her-face; I need to finish packing my things."

Reports that Faith Hill led "some sort of grass-roots write-in type of thing" to oust Underwood remain unfounded, as do reports that the White House itself fronted such an effort because President Bush was upset he couldn't win anything this time around.

"I'm just glad I beat out the Dixie Chicks," said Bush from the Oval Office. "The little fat one's got a big mouth!"

A number of states have implemented a variety of new voting apparatus since the vote-count and hanging-chad problems of 2000 to try to obtain more accurate results, including the use of computers, lasers, and in some cases, rock, paper, scissors.

"I am shocked," said Center For Voting And Democracy spokesman Reggie Armada, "shocked and dismayed! I mean, in this age of Velcro and flat-bottomed taco shells, that we are unable to come up with a simple and reliable system for voting - it's disgusting. It makes me sick. Sick to my stomach.

"Oh, uh, oh God, jeez, oh, well, there you go," said Armada after a brief pause. "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, then had to swallow it. Does that make you happy?"

Odd situations in other states included South Carolina's vote to uphold the Southern Baptist Convention's decision to outlaw day marriages as well as Maine's use of "seeing-eye people" to assist the scores of illiterate voters with reading the ballot.