FASHION

Douchebags Finalize 2009 Dress Code

NEW YORK (CAP) - The American Council of Douchebags (ACOD) released their long-awated 2009 dress code recommendations today at their annual national conference in New York. The move comes amid a flood of rumors that the group had become too douchey even to agree on something as simple as how to dress.

"Getting the dress code finalized is a big milestone," said ACOD Chairman T.A. Strong. "We need to ensure that we're instantly recognizable when we're out in public - people knowing you're a douchebag just by looking at you is, like, one of the best parts of being a douchebag.

"Well, that, and being able to go by initials instead of a real first name," Strong added.

The dress code recommendation for douchebags starts with headwear, where options include the knit cap (worn indoors and out), the scally cap, and the ultimate douchebag staple - the backwards baseball cap. "Most people think that if you're over the age of 10 and you wear a baseball cap backwards that you're a total tool," said ACOD Cheif Fashion Officer Winn Tarrington. "But in reality, you're just a douchebag."

For clothing, douchebags are encouraged to wear velour track suits, saggy cargo shorts, polo shirts with popped collars, sweater vests, overalls, wife-beaters, and intentionally ironic sleeveless tee shirts that are at least one size too small. Shoes may include soccer-style and wrestling sneakers, work boots with no laces, Crocs, and Tevas.

"My best tee is a washed-out medium Tony the Tiger shirt - it says They're Grrreat!," reported J.P. McMahon, a self-proclaimed douchebag fashion leader. "Totally sweet, dude."

"We've definitely added some new options for '09," added Tarrington, "but we've also kept in many of the classics. I mean, we've spent more than 50 years perfecting our baseline look, and there's no reason to mess with perfection."

This year's code also addresses facial hair, where appropriate styles include soul patches and 90210-style sideburns. "If you can combine the soul patch and the sideburns, you're really going to stand out as a top douchebag," said Pelly Franz, noted barber to the douchebag community.

A wide range of accessories is also available, including BlueTooth ear pieces (worn constantly), studded wristbands, skull-and-crossbones rings, giant belt buckles, and flip-up sunglasses.

"Our main objective is for people to notice us," said Strong. "Not for people to like us, not for people to want to spend time with us, but for people to look at us and say, Hey, I notice that guy. So we dress like douchebags to get noticed, then we act like douchebags so people will leave us alone.

"Listen, it's a lot better than letting people see us as the weak, pathetic losers we really are, right?" added Strong. "Now check out my frosted tips."