ECONOMY

A pimp waits patiently to find out how much money he'll get for his nasty old ho.

Govt Unveils New "Riches For Bitches" Program

WASHINGTON (CAP) - With the end of the popular Cash For Clunkers program, which provided incentives for those willing to trade in old cars for newer, more energy-efficient models, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius has unveiled the latest stimulus program. Entitled Riches For Bitches, the program will offer much needed cash to pimps who are willing to trade in old, worn-out prostitutes for newer, younger whores.

"Cash For Clunkers was a great success, getting more than 800,000 old-model cars off the road and replacing them with cars of the future," said Sebelius. "We are confident that Riches For Bitches has the potential to be as or more successful with getting our tired, skanky, nasty-ass hookers off the streets and replacing them with some fresh meat."

Asked why her office was overseeing this particular project, Sebelius responded, "Hey - we're not just the Department of Health and Human Services, we're also the Office of Full Service, if you know what I mean."

Under the new program, pimps who trade in their bitches will receive up to $6,500 in cash and merchandise in return, along with the rights to "own" a newer-model whore between the ages of 18 and 22.

"I think it's fabulous with a capital F," said Karl Roman, owner of the infamous New York City sex shop Troy's Diamond, which will be providing much of the stimulus merchandise. "I mean, have you been down 42nd street at midnight lately? Those hose-bags be looking skeevy!

"I mean, I'm not so inclined, as they say, but even if I was, I wouldn't bang those broads with a ten foot pole!" Roman added. "Actually, if I had a ten foot pole, I would never leave the house."

The Riches for Bitches trade-in allowance applies to both female and male prostitutes over the age of 27. Many, like famed Los Angeles pimp D. D. Mack, are ecstatic over the idea. "Once they gets to be that old, things be wrinkling that shouldn't be, and the things that should be wrinkled ain't no more," said Mack. "How they supposed to make me my money like?"

However, not everyone is happy with this latest round of stimulus spending by the Obama administration. Conservatives have expectedly come out almost unanimously against the plan, but even some on the left side of the aisle seem less than satisfied. A caller to the CAP News Tip Line, who claimed to have previously held a high-level government job, took issue with the timing of the package.

"I'm not able to get with as many whores as I used to when I lived in Washington," said the caller who only identified himself as Billy. "I mean, I could have really used a program like this so I didn't have to resort to parking my Humvee in some pig-faced intern's garage. All that flab flying around everywhere, you'd have thought you were in a cellulite tsunami."

The Riches For Bitches program kick off next month, and is expected to raise an additional $1.2 billion in revenue for the prostitution industry by the end of the year.