ECONOMY

Green Giant also releases its line of "Struggling Economy" side dishes

New "Great Depression" Canned Goods Hit Store Shelves

NEW YORK (CAP) - In the wake of the country's plummeting stock markets, two major canned food distributors seized the opportunity today to announce that later this month they each will be rolling out new Great Depression-themed canned goods in supermarkets across the country.

"When the country's banks all go under and only the wealthy have access to - and the ability to pay for - the fresh food and processed food products we've come to rely on, millions of Americans will need easy-to-tote food products they can transport from their foreclosed homes to their shelters and/or bunkers," explained the joint press release from FoodCom, Inc. and Canned Supplix.

"An imperishable canned good, much like the American spirit, is portable, very hard to damage or crush, and won't go bad for at least another 75 years," said Derrick Maclin, FoodCom's vice president of marketing and sales.

In all, there will be 24 varieties of canned foods rolled out to consumers, each one featuring a unique, nostalgic 1930's label, which also doubles as a make-shift cloth bandage. Some of the canned goods were previewed at the press conference, including:

- "Didn't We Just Have This Last Night" String Beans
- "Credit Crisis" Cranberries and Simulated Hot Dog Portions
- "The Economy is Doing Fine"ly Chopped Spinach and Celery
- "Remember When We Used to Own a Home"style Sausage Soup
- "Stimulus-Package"d Ocean Fish Medley Human/Cat Food.

In a bit of irony, the companies are also discussing opportunities to use the can goods as a mechanism to boost the struggling U.S. economy. Investment and traditional banks will have the ability to sponsor the canned goods or place advertisements on the cans' wrapper/bandages. For instance, "Bear Sterns Eggs, Ham, and Ham: 3 Meals in a Can" or "Lehman Brothers' Clam and Turnip Bisque."

"If you're eating all of your meals out of cans, then you're probably not in a position to use the services of an investment bank," explains CAP News Senior Financial Analyst Brenda Lend. "I think the only thing this idea is going to stimulate is unmitigated fury from Americans."

Major retailers like Wal-Mart, Target, Shaws, and Food Lion immediately announced that they've each scheduled "Stockpile Sales" for the first week of next month.

"Hey, most of this stuff in these canned goods was on the floor in the employees' breakroom anyway. It's completely unregulated, so we figured we'd just use it to do our duty and help the economy and the people of America," said Maclin.