HEALTHCARE

Paula Abdul Lands Judge Gig On Obama Death Panel

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Recently departed American Idol judge Paula Abdul won't remain unemployed for long, it seems. Following word earlier this week of the appointment of Dr. Jack Kevorkian to head the new Obama Death Panel comes confirmation that the star has been offered a seat on the three-member pre-screening panel that will weed out patients before they get to Kevorkian.

"I'm told that Paula's sincere enthusiasm and compassion for the underdog are what led to her being the first choice for this position," said CAP News political analyst Tom Brashcott. "Some tough decisions will need to be made on that panel, and you know Paula won't let even the weakest of elderly go down without a fight."

Sitting alongside Abdul on that pre-screening panel will be The Weakest Link gameshow host Anne Robinson and token black man and former interim leader of Israel, Dave Chappelle. Robinson is expected to play a caustic Simon Cowell-like role on the panel, while Chappelle brings some much needed levity to the proceedings.

"Paula Abdul can cry like nobody's business, which is the perfect offset to Anne Robinson's desire to gas every senior citizen escorted in front of the judges," said E! News host Giuliana Rancic. "But for those who really should die, hearing Anne tell them they are the weakest link will be nothing short of priceless."

The job of the Obama Pre-Screening Death Panel will be to make preliminary decisions whether to euthanize America's senior citizen population once they reach the age of 75. Factors to be considered in deteriming life or death include contributions to society, both past and present, as well as the level of burden each person places on others in their lives, such as family, neighbors and people driving behind them on the road.

"Let's face it, ten years of retirement is plenty of time for these people to do whatever they want to do before they go," said one midwest senator who asked not to be identified. "I mean, most of them are bored after two. Let's just thank them for their service to life, and move on."

Those who are deemed expendable will receive yellow slips of paper informing them as much and will then be escorted through the lobby to waiting vans that will take them directly to Kevorkian. Camera crews will catch the tearful goodbyes from family and friends for a new Fox reality show called I Survived An Obama Death Panel, hosted by Maury Povich.

"We anticipate ISAODP will compete head to head with Jay Leno five nights a week," said CAP News TV critic Marc Price. "That should really put Jay's banal chat with celebrities in perspective, don'tcha think?

"In fact, it will probably make all of NBC's programming lineup seem rather foolish," added Price. "I mean, moreso than now."

Abdul is said to be thrilled about the new appointment and has reportedly already started working on inventing new words that she plans to use to describe the endearing qualities of some of the more lovable elderly people she will get to meet.