HEALTHCARE

CDC Invents New Disease For Americans

ATLANTA (CAP) - Researchers at the Centers For Disease Control have announced the designation of a new illness that already affects ten to twenty percent of all Americans each year. People suffering from the newly-named FLS exhibit flu-like symptoms that often can be treated with medication.

"It's not quite a cold, not quite the flu - so what is it?" asked Dr. Jenny Williams of the CDC. "Rather than describing the malady as it relates to something it isn't, we felt the time was right to just give it its own name.

"Besides, whenever you throw a nifty little acronym at something, it always makes it sound worse than it really is," Dr. Williams added. "Like our efforts with IBS."

Exactly the problem, notes Eddie Butler of the Department Of Workforce Education, Leadership, And Social Foundations at the University of Georgia. Butler has been leading the charge to halt the CDC from approving the new moniker, saying it represents just what's wrong with America.

"All they're doing is enabling a workforce that already takes dozens of sick days per year to take more sick days," said Butler in a phone interview with CAP News. "And for what? It's. A. Cold. Call it like it is: a cold.

"Now stop being such a wuss and get your friggin' ass into work like the rest of us!" Butler yelled into the phone. "Sorry, got carried away there for a second. But you see where I'm coming from."

Butler said he fears that as time goes on, the true definition of FLS will be lost, and people will toss the term around like migraine, cancer or black lung. "Thankfully my campaign against PMS was successful, or else who the hell knows what kind of excuses women would be using to get out of work," he added.

Dr. Williams said the CDC is working on additional classifications for other dubious sicknesses such as stomach bugs, food poisoning and feeling blah.