INT'L POLITICS

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at last year's world leaders holiday party

Obama Vows Xmas Gift Sanctions If Iran Keeps Nukes

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Following news of the existence of a second nuclear plant in Iran comes word from Washington that President Barack Obama is weighing tough sanctions if that country does not back off its nuclear program. That could include halting Doritos imports to Iran, blocking Facebook friend requests, and eliminating Christmas gifts this holiday season.

"I will not hesitate to tell President Ahmadinejad that, uhh, he's not invited to the grab this year," Obama said of the annual world leaders holiday gift exchange. "No doubt it will hurt because we know how much he loves doing that every year."

Despite the tough stance by the president, he may not have the backing of the United Nations, many members of which are upset that Obama is poised to implement something that affects the entire governing body without consulting them first. United Nations secretary general Ban Ki-moon said if Ahmadinejad cannot attend, the holiday party "just won't be the same."

"If we cannot enjoy Mahmoud's company at the party, then we also cannot enjoy Mahmoud's deviled eggs at the party," said Ban. "And that would be a shame for all of the world."

Ban said he would rather see Iran face sanctions with an immediate but not lasting impact, such as taking away Ahmadinejad's Wii video console for a week. According to Ban, the problem with banning the Iranian leader from the holiday gathering is that the snub would be felt throughout all of next year while waiting for the next party, a punishment that Ban deems too harsh.

"It is not the job of the United Nations to make rash decisions," said Ban. "We say stop. And if that does not work, we say stop again."

Meanwhile, it appears Obama has the support of not only congressional Democrats, but a clear majority of Republicans as well. Yesterday the Senate introduced bill S.1692, which authorizes the president to purchase fake dog poo as a gift for Ahmadinejad this year, and the House of Representatives passed a resolution declaring the United Nations "a bunch of weenies."

"We had to ask ourselves, if President Obama were white, would we support this move?" said House minority leader Rep. John Boehner (R-OH). "And the answer was a resounding, you betcha. So we put aside color for a moment and focused solely on the issue at hand.

"That, my friends, is what's so great about America," Boehner added. "Plus, we just love passing resolutions. No better way to wrap up the workweek than with a good resolution."

If Obama's holiday sanctions come to fruition, Ahmadinejad has vowed to block U.N. inspectors from trick-or-treating within Iranian borders this Halloween.