INT'L POLITICS

Condoleezza Rice prepares for her sexual romp with Mahmoud Abbas and Ehud Olmert.

Rice To Hold Three-Way With Mideast Leaders

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said yesterday she would bring the leaders of Israel and the Palestinian Authority together soon for "an informal menage a trois" to help facilitate the creation of a Palestinian state.

"We've said before that the Bush Administration will do whatever it takes to help bring peace to that region," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, "even if it means whoring out Condi."

Making good on a pledge she made last year to intensify her involvement in trying to resolve the Arab-Israeli dispute, Rice announced no date or location for the three-way and said it is not meant to substitute for any sex she's having with other Mideast officials.

"Listen, I understand the risks inherent in this type of foreign policy," said Rice when asked by reporters about spreading herself too thin. "Iran's missiles don't scare me. I promise you I will do my best to prevent a premature launch of any nuclear weapon in that region."

Rice isn't the first Secretary of State to try this approach, following in the footsteps of Madeleine Albright, who met with limited success until a special night with North Korea leader Kim Jong-il in 2000. However, pundits say Rice has much more stamina than Albright had, with some describing it as "Lewinsky-like."

"Let's face it, part of the problem is a lack of understanding of other cultures," said Loyola College political science professor Dr. Michael Harris. "But sex - sex speaks to any culture.

"I'm sure there's nothing more that [Palestinian President Mahmoud] Abbas and [Israeli Prime Minister Ehud] Olmert enjoy than being dominated in bed by a black American woman," continued Harris. "They would just never come out and say so."

The news has been met with mixed reaction from Hamas, which rejects Israel's right to have sexual relations. Hamas has also vowed not to offer any protection to Abbas as long as the Palestinian leader "insists on sleeping with the enemy."