CALIFORNIA

President Bush talks with federal disaster officials during a briefing on damage from Lindsay Lohan.

Bush Declares Lindsay Lohan Federal Disaster Area

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Following shocking revelations by a former bodyguard and word of a lawsuit for a 2005 crash, President Bush has declared actress Lindsay Lohan a federal disaster area. The move makes Lohan eligible for federal aid and should keep her a safe distance from the public for the foreseeable future.

"These latest incidences are of such severity and such magnitude that an effectatious response is beyond California's capacity to recover without supplementary state and federal assistance," Bush told reporters during the announcement.

Bush's declaration makes people and businesses in Los Angeles county eligible for rehab, counseling and other low-cost programs to help them recover from Lohan-related damage. Additional celebrities may be added to the disaster area after further assessments are completed, according to a statement from the White House.

"First she runs over a photographer, then the knife episode, now story after story about lesbian affairs - it's really too much for the average person to handle," said Richard Hall, Director of the Center For The Study Of Celebrity In Society.

"Throw in Paris Hilton bawling her eyes out on the way to prison, and you have to think that compared to these celebrities, we really got it pretty good," added Hall. "We just need a little help coping, is all."

While the aid is welcome relief to the battered California region, the news does not come without controversy. According to video footage obtained by CAP News, federal disaster officials warned President Bush and his homeland security chief about Lohan well before she crashed her car into a parked van in October, 2005.

"We're going to need everything that we can possibly muster, not only in Hollywood and in the region, but the nation, to respond to this girl's actions," former FEMA Director Michael Brown warns on the tape. "Otherwise we're headed for a disaster of Tara Reid proportions."

White House officials have refused to comment on the video, but said additional federal money is being made available for anyone still recovering from Alec Baldwin's tirade against his daughter back in April.