BASEBALL

GM Theo Epstein in the Red Sox front office

Manny: Red Sox Were Satan-Worshipping Baby Killers

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Newly minted Los Angeles Dodger Manny Ramirez says he's happy to put his tenure with the Boston Red Sox behind him, adding that he bears his old teammates and bosses no ill will, even if they did sacrifice babies to their dark gods in their ruthless efforts to win.

"The Red Sox were always trying to make me look like the bad guy," said Ramirez, clad in already-rumpled Dodgers blue. "But all I have to say is, that's in the past, I'm movin' on, and also I was not the one sacrificing babies on a stone altar inside the clubhouse before every game."

Ramirez's accusations about voodoo ceremonies among Sox management are only the latest in his series of complaints against the team, most of them coming out in the press before he was finally traded last week. Ramirez's other claims include:

- Principal owner John Henry would have shriveled to dust years ago if he didn't sustain himself by sucking the blood of virgins;

- Whenever the opportunity arose, first baseman Kevin Youkilis would bludgeon puppies and kittens to death with his massive bald head;

- Theo Epstein is a rabid neo-Nazi, and would often come to the clubhouse and beat players with a riding crop.

When reminded that Epstein is Jewish, Ramirez added, "That's what makes it so devious."

Ramirez says he's done making an issue out of these problems, but they're part of the reason it was time for him to go. "I'm not talking about money. Mental peace has no price and I didn't have peace there," he said. "That's mainly because I was always worried about being sacrificed or bludgeoned to death."

Ramirez's charges have been backed up by his fellow Dodger Nomar Garciaparra, who was traded by the Red Sox during their championship-winning 2004 season. "The babies, the blood-sucking, the Nazi stuff - it's all true," he said. "I've been hesitant to talk about it because I was afraid what would - AIIIIGGGHH!!"

Then Garciaparra fell to the floor writhing in agony, as if a voodoo priest was torturing a small, crudely fashioned doll in his likeness.

When asked about the claims, Red Sox management declined to respond, or even unclench their teeth long enough to say "no comment." And Ramirez said he wouldn't talk further about his old team now that he'd started his career as a Dodger. "I wish the Red Sox the best. If [President and CEO] Larry Lucchino wants to stab random people and chop their heads off and eat them, that's his business."

When reminded that the incident Ramirez was referring to was actually committed by a crazed Canadian, Ramirez added, "That's what makes it so devious."

"Look, like I said, I'm movin' on. Being a Dodger is a dream come true, and I plan to give them my all and retire here," said Ramirez. "Unless they try to make me, you know, run or something."