WAR ON TERROR

New Fox Sports sideline reporter, Osama bin Laden

New bin Laden Tape Condemns Football, Biggest Loser

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A newly released audio tape purported to be the voice of al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden veers from the traditional threats of previous messages and this time takes aim not only at President Barack Obama, but also at the American way of life. It is the second alleged bin Laden message in as many weeks and analysts are still confirming its authenticity.

"Other tapes usually focus on Afghanistan, death to the infidels, that sort of thing," said CAP News terrorist expert Ken Ober. "But apparently every now and then he feels the need to weigh in on other stuff, I guess to let us know how well-rounded he is.

"He's kind of like the Sarah Palin of terrorism," added Ober. "He talks about all sorts of stuff he has no business sticking his nose into."

The 12-minute tape delves into some of the standard fare: how Obama is powerless to stop the war in Afghanistan, how Obama will pay for supporting Israel, how Obama is no longer on the list of negroes that al Qaeda likes. However, after a few minutes of incoherent babbling during which analysts believe bin Laden is eating a bagel, the terror mastermind then switches gears and rails against American television.

"What is it with you Americans and your obsession with the fat people?" he says of the NBC reality show, The Biggest Loser. "You're of the causing us to use extra explosive to kill same number of people. Bring back the Baywatch."

The tape also touches on a host of other subjects, including AT&T's "horrendous" coverage in Pakistan that prevents bin Laden from getting an iPhone, the "stupid" panic about swine flu perpetuated by overpriced American insurance companies, and the "dumb" new quarterback penalty rules in football. Congressional leaders say this time, bin Laden may have gone too far.

"Listen, you wanna blow up a busy marketplace or threaten our president, you go right ahead," said one senator. "But don't you dare attack our sport. Those rules are there to protect the quarterback and ensure a clean game. Because that's the American way!"

Meanwhile, the House of Representatives yesterday passed a resolution of disapproval of the new bin Laden tape, admonishing al Qaeda for "striking at the heart of the American fall pastime" and other "egregious acts of unsportsmanlike conduct." The 240-179 vote was mostly along conference lines, reflecting an AFC fan majority in the chamber.

"We are not a do-nothing Congress," said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD). "We have condemned the condemnation of our American liberties and will continue to pass resolutions to that effect as long as there is a need."

The latest bin Laden message is available for download on iTunes and will be released on CD in time for the holidays.