THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL

McCain Calls For Branding Of Democrats

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. (CAP) - Republican presidential hopeful John McCain is refusing to back down from incendiary statements he recently made suggesting that registered Democrats be branded with a letter 'D' in order to tell them apart from "real Americans." He made the suggestion at a campaign stop in St. Paul.

"My friends, these Democrats - they walk among us, and we don't even know it," McCain said at a town hall meeting. "They wear our clothes. They eat our food. They pee in our toilets.

"And if there's anything that Vietnam has taught me, it's that you don't pee in another man's toilet," McCain added after a lengthy pause.

Under McCain's proposal, every voting precinct in the country would be assigned a Precinct Branding Officer, who would be equipped with a steak branding iron containing a 1 1/2" high letter 'D' on a 10" long handle. As voters declare their party affiliation at the polls this November, they would be branded as appropriate before being allowed to vote.

"It's really not as archaic as it sounds," said McCain spokesperson Sylvester McBean during a phone interview with CAP News. "I mean, they can pick where they want to be branded; it's not like we're gonna slap a 'D' on their forehead if they don't want. And we will have registered nurses on hand in case things don't go quite as planned.

"Registered Republican nurses, of course," noted McBean.

The ACLU has already filed a federal lawsuit alleging that the practice "may violate the civil rights of some Democrats." The complaint avoids the blanket protection of all Democrats, stating that some, like Al Gore, "really could use a red hot iron to the ass."

"We're pretty sure this violates some Amendment on the books," said ACLU spokesperson Roger Chillingworth. "We haven't filed a lawsuit for infractions of Amendment 11 in quite some time, so we'll probably use that one."

There has yet to be any official reaction from Barack Obama's camp, but sources close to the Illinois senator say he will likely counter with a proposal to castrate all Republican men if McCain moves forward with his plan. The sources confirmed that President Bush would be safe because "dude has already proven he has no balls."

While Obama originally planned to use public funds for the castration, he has since backtracked and said he will raise private money for the effort.