THE PRESIDENCY

Bush Hospitalized With Case Of Iraqititis-B

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President George W. Bush was admitted to George Washington University Hospital late last night, suffering from what doctors say is an advanced case of Iraqititis-B. He is expected to be released back to the White House later today.

"It is unclear at this time just how soon the President may recover from this," said Dr. Winslow Kline at a press briefing this morning. "What is clear is that the President has suffered from this disease for some time, perhaps as long as four years. The damage may be irreversible."

According to Kline, most cases of Iraqititis-B are considered acute and the self-limited infection will clear spontaneously within weeks to months. However, he said that while Bush is showing chronic symptoms, his official diagnosis is that of the acute strain of the disease and should have cleared by now.

"It's almost as if he doesn't want to get better," said Kline. "I've never seen anything like it."

Kline confirmed that President Bush has been taking the experimental drug Cadaverol to combat the infection, but that he has advised against its continued use until the long-term effects are known. According to The New England Journal Of Medicine, the FDA is not expected to approve the use of Cadaverol for quite some time.

Kline said Bush can "stay all hepped up on Cadaverol" and continue fighting the infection, which may take another year and a half or so, or he can take a more holistic approach and just try to avoid the environmental factors that are making him sick.

"We wish President Bush the speediest of recoveries," said Sen. Mitch McConnell (D-KY) on the floor of the Senate. "Because if he doesn't recover, that leaves us with Dick Cheney, and God help us then."

Symptoms of Iraqititis-B include jaundice, vague or unfocused feelings of mental uneasiness, and a Tourette's Syndrome-like muscular tic that takes the form of a grimace or smirk. Doctors are also investigating a possible hereditary link as former President Bush once battled with a brief bout of Iraqititis-B back in 1992.