ARCHIVES: MAY 2006

President Bush To Learn English

Supporting the move to make English the country's official language, Bush has stated through an interpreter that he'll learn the language himself.

INVENTIONS

The Toddler Tazer allows parents to easily send electricity equal to that of a blender running on "pulse" through a naughty toddler.

SAFETY RECALL

The Rhode Island-based company is being forced to reconsider several other "inappropriate" figures marketed toward children.

THE INTERNET

The President's initial response was to run screaming from the room because he thought "his computer had come to life and was yelling at him."

MUSIC

Beatboxing has been an industry dominated by the U.S. since the early 1980s, but recently has seen a steady decline in market share.

WHITE HOUSE

"I went out to the South Lawn for some target practice on the homeless vets sleeping nearby," said Cheney, "and next thing I knew, it was gone."

SPECIAL REPORT

Speculation has been building that CAP News has a secret source buried deep in the White House. A top CAP News editor today confirmed it.

SURVEYS & POLLS

Determined to secure his place in history, President Bush has instructed Chief of Staff Josh Bolten to pursue the all-time record for futility.

IMMIGRATION

One of the few businesses affected when immigrants attempted to flex their economic muscle were McDonald's franchises in some cities.

Caught On Film
Former Exxon Mobil CEO Lee Raymond shows company board members one of the little tricks he picked up after retiring.

The best photos from July.

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